WHAT AILS 'JALEBI BAI'

Jalebi Bai astonishes us beyond belief. No its not her crude raunchy dance moves this time motor mouth Mallika Sherawat has left us stupefied with her bizarre utterings. The barely clad damsel at Cannes (no less!) went against her own country hammer and tongs calling India a 'repressive' society for women. She also expressed deep angst claiming to be 'depressed' being an Indian woman!! In a heavy accent Mallika passionately claimed to be the first Indian actress to 'kiss' as well as 'wear a bikini' on screen. Which, she said made her 'instantly' a 'fallen woman' and a 'superstar'. Now the Murder girl’s utterings have deeply offended superstar Priyanka Chopra. Priyanka has expressed deep annoyance at Mallika’s comments which she feels is an 'extreme misrepresentation of India'.  So while Mallika feels that women in India are at the bottom of the society we wonder which India is the once-married Haryana girl from an ultra-conservative Jatt family referring to?? This is the same Mallika who was accused of running away to America when her scandalous MMS went viral on the net. The case of the 'depressed' and 'repressed' Jalebi Bai gets even more curious as Mallika Sherawat is set to wed a 'repressive' Indian man in a new reality TV show!!  Miss Mallika is searching for an Indian groom in a new reality shaadi show (aka Rakhi Sawant etc ) don’t ask why but ways of the mallika only mallika knows. Or Maybe Repression pays better? Yeah Mallika?

SHAHRUKH GETS PUNCHED BY DEEPIKA!

She will break your nose....Smash your head ....Tear your clothes!! Hell hath no fury like the stunning Deepika on a comeback trail. Deepika (The old) is DEAD. Long Live Deepika.

Now don't you shed those nostalgic tears for the 'seedhi saadhi' dainty that was just yet luverlies... coz this dabang diva hates tears too. Take a dekho at footage Shah Rukh Khan getting smacked on the face by Deepika. The actress happily proceeds to break a bottle on macho man Rohit Shetty's head. Chalo agreed the lovely lady has proved her deadly point but what’s the 'real' point of this hyperactivity?   

Is it to do with the new super smart and ''secret'' career advisor she has found?? C’mon now ...from making a fool of herself mooning over a public breakup with the hottest superstar to a girl who is able to scoff at love with 'main ..tum pe marti thee?' lines....hmmm so who is behind this interesting makeover. While some of you are clapping on Deepika's perfectly timed image reinvention from the gharelu gaai to girl-who-can-kick-some-serious-arse.......well........rumour has it that the lovely lady is being advised by a ''powerful bollywood film-maker'' who has taken it on himself to help the pretty girl reinvent herself in a delicious new avtaar. In deepika's carreer it’s a watershed moment. So while the lovely Katrina is stuck in glamorous-but-pls-excuse-the-crap-acting rutt, hottie Priyanka has a lot of baggage with star wives guning for her, and the blindingly gorgeous (and married) Kareena is stuck in not so madly exciting roles, it IS Deepika's time. Can you believe it She has finally got it! So yeah get on the train baby. 

KAMASUTRA ITEM GIRL

In news for her recent nudie photo-shoots for Playboy, she was pointedly ignored by some top heroines since she had come to Canne film festival. After days of seeing through the her and smirking at her dubious ‘actor’ talents, one of them suggested (quiet meanly) that maybe the patakha item girl and desi play boy bunny had mistakenly read her Porn’s invite as Cannes’. After all ‘such’ non-actors can’t be invited to the prestigious Canne….there must be a mistake!! Well turns out there was NOT. The irritated posh girls turned meaner turning up their pretty noses (as only Indian women can brrrr) at the ‘half caste’ stunner blatantly refusing photo-ops with the her. For the controversial item girl the message was clear. Stay out of the way of the REAL stars and lie low, lower than the roaches. She lay low, till it was payback time. The item girl walked the glittering red carpet with a smile and little else. Draped in a transparent black dress her black brassiere peeping (enough to make the hard core blush) and a heavy choker neckpiece the desi Playboy Bunny left little to imagination when she walked Cannes red carpet dressed every bit as raunchy as her kamasutra poses in her film inspired by Kamasutra. Pictures of her splashed in Parisian papers they had to sit up and notice. So while a certain ex beauty queen and former top heroine looked like a well fed greek goddess and another super talented actress a Kolkata auntyji, she left everyone gobsmacked with her toned body. And Cmon.. as some hens clucked.. at least she had a film to show at Canne !! 4D kamasutra anyone?!

ISHQ ON THE SIDE

But where is the goddamn Hero?! Past several days its been hard to miss Ishq in Paris(yawn) producer-actor -IPL owner Preity Zinta splashing herself all over town to promote her new film. Now Miss Zinta has been at it since last year but well that is another story. Its common knowledge that the once very popular heroine has pulled out all stops for her maiden venture, with its set main mission : to regain for Miss Zinta her lost glory in Bollywood. Expectedly Zinta’s ‘Bollywood comeback’ mission met an embarrassing setback when none her so-called friends, all big male stars (and her former co-actors) showed any interest in working opposite her in this ‘comeback’ vehicle, save good old Salman (bless him) who agreed to do an item number.  Chalo, that’s fine but when do we get a ‘moohdikhaayi’ of Preity’s Hero?  Given Preity’s repeated appearance sans her Hero, it’s embarrassingly obvious that something is amiss. So why is Preity Zinta keeping the hero under wraps? Is the Hero NOT welcome at his own film’s promotions? Or Does Preity not want to spoil the surprise or

is she scared the surprise may shock away her fans? For this we need to know the history (sad sad sad) of this Hero. Well he is a small time failed TV serial actor who is desperately hoping this film will do it for him in Bollywood, given that he has a starring role— which is fine considering the actress, meanwhile, is herself hoping this film will end her unemployment as a heroine. But the question is how .. Just HOW, did a small model land up a part opposite the choosy and super picky Miss Zinta? !!

So here’s the thing. The significantly younger hero (with an unpronounceable name- its goes Rhehan Mallieekk or something) stepped in, courtesy the film’s director. Yup they are ‘old friends’(just good friends they claim blah blah). If closer friends are to be believed poor Preity noticed too late what was happening right under her nose while the whole world, and her set hands, was gossiping about their male director’s soft and gooey spot for the film’s leading man. Now it appears Miss Zinta is not pleased with the prospect of answering the badtameez media’s cheeky questions on this side Ishq she had not really bargained for.

Nateeja yeh, that Mr Hero has been kicked off the promotions and has no option to cool his  heels while pretty woman does his job too. 

BADTAMEEZ HEROINE

She has several super hits behind her, courtesy the A lister actors who carried the film on their shoulders. But this star daughter, who loves to mention her family connections at the drop of a hat and looks older than her twenty something years, has developed such a massive Diva - Complex which could put Paris Hilton to shame!! After modelling herself on the 'perfect Indian woman' prototype the well-endowed Bollywood’s bharatiya nari has taken to looking down on anyone in a short skirt or a bikini (rumour has it she is not allowed to wear either as papa dear knows the ways of the big bad industry). Fresh dictates that her staff suffix a reverential 'JI'  (when they interact with her) amuses us but what gets our goat is that she has started looking down on other actresses who are not as 'pedigreed' . At this glitzy event when this diva star daughter discovered that she was supposed to share the stage with a talented young (though famously hyper strung) actress she got miffed beyond belief and stubbornly she refused to step out of her vanity van. The star daughter was very irritated that the organizers had not 'warned' her that she would be sharing the stage with 'that' actress.

The organizers pleaded with the angry young actress to relent as her name had been announced on stage but the star daughter ji would simply not budge. Matters came to a head when she lost her cool and threw a terrible tantrum and inadvertently even let out the infamous 'Don't-you-know-I-am-a-Superstar' line' and 'you-know-who-my-father-is-naa' ! Facing public humiliation the disgusted organizers finally made frantic calls to her papa 'ji' . But Papa ji proved to be more stubborn than Beti ji. In the midst of all this tamasha the star daughter left the venue without meeting anyone. We think a lesson in humility, dollops of good manners , maybe a finishing school on 'tameez' (surely papa ji can afford?) would help the otherwise nice girl to become the perfect bharatiya nari she claims to be.  

ITEM NUMBER OF THE YEAR VIA-AGRA !!

WATCH MADHURI AND RANBIR SHAKE IT UP WITH 'GHAGRA'

YAMLA CANT POP SAALA

They stay together ...they play together ...and, mashallah they Pop together!! They are the hunky macho Deol men. Problem yeh hai ki the still Gram Dharam and macho bhaiiya Sunny get all the eyeballs while little Bobby, well errr.... So Papaji and badhe bhaiiya tried to boost little Bobby's confidence by giving a big party, to shoot the title track of their new film. Of course Bobby was supposed to be the centre of attention at the do. And thats when the problem began. Bobby was all set to open a beautifully wrapped champagne bottle on cue and the photogs waited excitedly for their perfect shot. Seconds changed to minutes. But try as he might poor Bobby just could not get the bubbly to pop.

HE HUFFED and HE PUFFED ...and HE TWISTED .. and HE FLEXED .. but the stubborn bottle just would not budge. Bobby's forehead was now laced with sweat and his face a beetroot red as he felt a hundred eyes on him looking on with amusement.

Its not a good thing naa to be a Punjabi munda and not be able to pop the bubbly !! Bobby could not pop the cork even after trying repeatedly. He kept on trying to open the bottle, but could not. Then his costar a hottie firang in an attempt to helo the beleagured hero took the bottle saying ..'must be stuck it happens--' when unexpectedly she managed to turn the cork easily, the bottle popped and champagne gushed out with force leaving the deeply mortified hero covered with white coloured foam!!

Her Dirty Secret

This celebrity hair stylist is hopping mad at this superstar actress with whom acting is not a strong point. This foreign import who has become a top Bollywood actress has made this celebrity hair stylist super-angry with her pricey and bitchy behaviour.

The much tattooed hairstylist vouches for the days when before becoming a superstar this firang and fresh looking actress was just a regular nice sweet girl who patiently waited her turn and never forgot her manners with the employees in the hair studio. But stardom seems to have to have turned her head so much that she has strated treating everyone like dirt.

The celebrity hairstylist is hopping mad and dishing the dope on how how this superstar actress is NOT at all this virginal prude school girl act she fakes but exactly the opposite and reportedly indulged in hard core activities which would horrify her family audience. Hey bhagwan I cannot tell you what she is supposed to be an 'expert' in doing but lets say I was shocked and embarassed (and that does not happen easily) !!

According to her friends the superstar actress RESENTS that the celebrity hairstylist knows her shady past and wants to basically run the stylist out of town before her own shady secrets becoem public knowledge. She even set her powerful boyfriend on the fiesty hairstylist but that dint work as the girl gave back as good as she got. Whats worse the actress's personal staff have also started mooching of production budget by getting their own hair and makeup done at the superexpensive studios and shamelessly charging the producers.

SUNNY VS VEENA

This scandalous import from across the border obviously does not like it Sunny side up! Though Pakistani actress and item girl Veena Malik’s smoking hot moves may be causing even her most hard core fans to cringe in discomfort Veena has accused the hottie port star Sunny of being a 'publicity hungry hound' and ready to do 'anything' for money. That she herself has done more than just shaking her booty in fishnet stockings and little else and has even managed to get a charge filed against her for defaming Pakistan and ISI by doing a semi-nude photo shoot for an Indian magazine is obviously a lesser crime in than what 'that porn star' does for a living. On being quizzed about how she feels on Sunny Leone becoming the hottest in demand flavor after her too hot for Indian television 'Laila' item number in Shootout at Wadala, which made Priyanka Chopra appear virginal in Babli Badmash and even hottie Sophie Chaudhary's hard core moves paled in comparison, Veena simply turns up her nose. Veena hotly says you cannot compare her to Sunny Leone who is a porn star. But  Veena Malika won’t mind if you compare her with Katrina Kaif who is also 'like her' a serious model turned actress from abroad who has come to Mumbai to make her mark.

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HEROINE KI MUMMY SE BACHAO

She is a hot red young thing making her big debut with a hot star son, who has proved his mettle in his dream debut. The star son is slated to be tommorrow’s superstar and the pretty young thing is thrilled to her maniacally manicured nails. And even more happy is the heroine’s mother. But that is another story. She is a light eyed stunner from across the border who had made history with her debut film where she had also sung. The actress who once had the most stunning face of Bollywood had been embroiled in a spate of affairs but allegedly alcohol abuse was what finally did her in—even her more-than-ample bosom couldn’t help her. She soon disappeared into the blue after some B grade films.

But now mummy is back with her stunning daughter. Mummy ji, reportedly known for her penchant to wear blood red jumpers, makes sure she  accompanies her darling ‘Baby’ to every shoot. According to sources she has become a pain in the neck in the sets specially after she tried to monitor some shots and direct the director with irritating comments like ‘Listeeenn darling ! Please change the shot naa honey, my Baby is looking too skinny here—
‘Arrey the back artist barbaad kar degi shot ? she is shamelessly is overshadowing Baby's dance !! ' 
Sources swear that Mummyji has gotten so particular that she has started needling the dress designer about her 'Baby' ka dress. Matters came to ahead when Mummyji took over the silaai-bunaayi department (as she calls it)

‘Sweetie you are that darji naa—haa haan fashion designer—this new blood red dress jumper I picked from ******** is perfect dont you think ? Just make the hemline should be up by three inches—and pad up the boobies and butt!!'

Apparently the designer finally lost his cool and ( according to eyewitnesses) firmly told the demanding Mummyji that he does not touch other designer's work and 'he' is the official stylist of the film actors. At that the heroine's mother pouted and quipped.

'But honey who said its for Baby? This is for me.'

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IMPORTED 'ITEM'

Hey bhagwan ! you will say. But its true my Burberry scarf ki kasam. This blonde beauty was sitting between the two well-known regional superstars, one a mashoor Bhojpuri actor and another young Punjabi star. Jammed firmly between the stars she waited for the presser to start in the jam-packed hall. She sat mutely looking slightly overwhelmed with a very aggressive media but largely refused to answer the questions flying around. Finally, with great fanfare the stunning blonde item girl was introduced. The producer explained that the blonde beauty, who was doing a sex

y item number in the film, was from Slovakia and though the girl could understand angrezi she hardly spoke any English. So naturally every time a question was directed at the mesmerizing blonde the producer or the PR butted in. She was after all the item girl of the film, she was not there to speak but an item to show but would give stiff competition to reigning foreign imports in Btown from Sunny, Katrina to Nathalia, Yana and Claudia and more. Chalo... So what was the kaam of the goongi gudiya at a presser where she cannot speak? Eyeballs and more eyeballs. The stunner was easy on the eye and wore a revealing dress which hardly left anything to imagination. The still photogs and cameramen were too enamoured with the doll and seemed more than content with her ‘darshan’. The press conference over the photo ops happened and the foreign beauty was asked to pose in indescribable ways when the unthinkable happened!!

A thin looking cameraman lost his footing and his chunky camera tripod fell on the blonde beauty queen’s dainty foot. ‘’Bhen**** !!’’ she screamed quite clearly in a thick Punjabi accent.

Hope the producers were able to convince the press that the Bhen**** is a Slovakian cuss.